Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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