He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
