she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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