News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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