im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
