whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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