if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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