If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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