she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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