Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
