i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
