if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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