I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
