America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
