Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
