You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
