the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
