The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My ass is underappreciated
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
