i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
