just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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