And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
