dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
