i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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