Soap is not a condiment
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
