I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
