she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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