i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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