Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
