She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
