well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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