dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
