don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
