may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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