Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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