i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Also, beer. Big fan.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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