I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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