I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
