She said her name was "party"
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
