You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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