Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
