I wannas sexs uuuuu
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
