Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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