Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
