I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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