wakey wakey hands off snakey
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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