My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
