my being single is dangerous.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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