ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
