But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
