everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
