i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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