if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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