I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
