the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
