I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
